There is nothing more satisfying than finishing an essay knowing that you’re about to spend a weekend celebrating your birthday with hardly any more work! Yaaaaaaaaaay- time to catch up on ‘Vogue’
Just made chocolate-buttercream cupcakes to celebrate my approaching birthday - domestic goddess transformation complete!
In retrospect, having unlimited access to all seasons of 'The Hills' is probably not such a good idea… I don't care. Lauren Conrad's words of wisdom are much needed!
This jumper may make me feel like a five year old but I love it anyway. Baby pink just makes everything better!
This week I’ve been taking my mock A-Level exams. It was terrible but can’t be helped. So as a way of unwinding I came home ready to relax and forget about the ordeal. And what do I do when I need to relax? I paint my nails; a surprisingly therapeutic way of reflecting on life’s great challenges. It got to the point where I’d finished all the preparatory work; filed, buffed, moisturised, and am now faced with the decision of what colour to choose… and I can’t. I literally can’t. I have been sitting here for half an hour trying to decide and I think I’ve finally lost it. If I can’t even decide on a colour for my nails, how on earth am I going to decide on a university? Or not.
Here are my options: Maxfactor’s ‘glossfinity’ in ‘marsh-mellow’. A rosy pink that I was inherently drawn to; pretty and girly without being too girly. A sentence I’m embarrassed even to have written. Then, Essie’s 'It's Genuis’, a sparkly pink with gold undertones which I shouldn’t like, but I do. I have a thing for pink; it goes against my feminist principles but I can’t help it. Next up, Essie’s 'Dive Bar' which is a gorgeous iridescent deep green with blue/purple shimmers. And finally, another Essie (obviously, my absolute favourite brand) in 'Midnight Cami'; a dark inky blue thats almost, but not quite, black.
In the midst of my deep frustration and obsessive self-reflection, I began to wonder about my habits. I’m a self-confessed overthinker. It sounds crazy, and probably is crazy, but I genuinely believe that whatever nail polish I’m wearing affects my behaviour; my nails have become an extension of my personality. When wearing black, I feel invincible and sultry. When in brights, happy and chilled. Red is an injection of glamour and sophistication (depending on the tone, of course).
It’s therefore no wonder that I can’t decide what colour to choose because I’m at a weird point in my life. In a years time, who knows where I’ll be. I’ve lost my sense of self in the past few months and have been doubting every aspect of my life. 'Do I really want to go to university at all? I'm not good enough to be a writer.' The rejection from Durham was a huge kick while I was already down and confirmed every self-doubt I've ever had. It's so pathetic. I know that I can't possibly survive in the world if I can't take rejection but somehow, it's hurt me worse then I could have ever anticipated. My life is turning to shit. The exams this week did not help.
So that brings me back to the nail varnish. The inky blue is the safe option; namely, going to university and letting it sort itself out. The iridescent green perhaps represents the unknown. It’s a colour I wouldn’t normally wear but am similarly desperate to try; like travelling. There are so many places I want to visit and yet the timing just doesn’t seem right. It’s a colour that I really like, but somehow doesn’t fit. Now, this is going to sound stupid but it’s the truth and so I’ll put it in anyway. I am not happy enough to wear the marsh-mellow pink. Nail colour represents, for me at least, your personality and sometimes your general mood. One day, I will wear the marsh-mellow and it will be fabulous, but I’m not quite there yet. It’s now going to symbolise a happy future; when I’m out of this mess. And that leaves me with the sparkly pink/gold, otherwise known as the colour I shouldn’t like but I do anyway. Who knows what that symbolises? God knows I’m just rambling. Perhaps it’ll be my coping colour; one that admits to itself that things are shit now but will have to pick up. To be honest, I don’t think they could get any worse. But sometimes I just need to have nice nails as a way of powering through. Yes, my friend, I just pyscho-analysied my life through nail varnish. I have officially lost it. Whatever ‘it’ is.
I’m writing this at 22:46 on a Saturday night: 23rd February 2013 to be exact. Sitting on my bed, fresh faced after scraping every inch of make-up off, I’ve slipped into my notorious habit of over thinking. About an hour ago I was at an 18th birthday party yet feigned a headache so I could go home. Partly because I’m tired, but mostly because it was unbearably awkward. Everyone was standing round in little groups making small talk and sipping at drinks while I just felt like such an outsider. I don’t know whether it was that the party was awkward or whether it was actually me to blame.
These past few weeks I’ve just felt so detached from everyone around me; even basic socialisation has become the bane of my existence. I literally had to drag myself to the party and even then didn’t really give it much of a chance. I’m starting to worry; I’ve always been an introspective person, but why have I all of a sudden lost interest in people? As much as I hate to admit it, the whole Durham rejection has left me emotionally drained and almost too tired to engage with people. Who really has the energy to engage in a contrived conversation with a person you don’t have much of an interest in? Does that make a socially-awkward bitch? Most likely. But then, it goes back to a post I wrote last week; I would rather have a few good friends than lots of acquaintances at parties I don’t even enjoy. Hm.
God, I hope uni is as great as everyone says it is. I’m desperate to meet more people and start having an active social life again; one where I can go out with friends rather than a group of girls who are only linked by their school instead of want of each others company. But then again, I don’t even know where I’m going to university anymore. I have no clue where my life is going, except for the fact that I’m going to be a writer. I am such a mess right now. Maybe it’s time to get some sleep.